Five-and-a-half years. That is how long it has been since I left this blog. It somehow doesn’t seem like it should have been that long ago.

A lot has changed since then, as you would expect. I mean, I stopped for a reason and all! Life got busy with the usual noise: buying a house, selling a house, dramatic work changes. And, it got busy with the less obvious noise: depression, anxiety, even more work changes. The stress, the tight schedule, and the never ending cycle of: “worry, survive, live, breathe, do it again,” took over even the oldest of my self care practices: the joy of writing. You see, I didn’t just stop here. I stopped everywhere.

But, through it all, we’re still standing; still breathing; healing; and, most importantly, still growing even in our darkest hours. Yet I am still DEEP in some of those dark hours, spinning in self analysis. All the more reason to get back at it.

So here I am again, trying to push myself, because I want to be better, I need to know who Meredith is and to live my fullest self. I’m finding that creativity, from writing and drawing to cooking, baking and making art, still sits at the heart of who I am, and I need to share it. I need to break through this cloud of self loathing, this job that does not make me happy, and live for the joy and passion within. Find fulfillment.

When I started this blog, I used the template of a reading challenge to keep myself writing. It set perimeters to get me back into writing and reading. At the time, giving myself “homework” kept me moving, but when life became bombarded, it wasn’t enough to sustain me. This time, I’m being more intentional and much more personal. After all the stressors of the last 3-4 years, I find myself here, at 37 years old, realizing I don’t know “what I want to be do” and “who I want to be.” I know, not really such an uncommon problem, but it was a slap in the face for me to realize I’m exactly where I did not want to end up. It’s a sudden jolt of reality that you’ve just sort of fallen in one direction, and you want to be able to know you’ve actually chosen your direction. But big decisions have been really really difficult, so I am terrified to make that jump and go all in on something…anything…

But I want to dive into the deep end. I’m ready to start facing the fears I’ve spent so long running from. I’m tired of treading water.

I want to rediscover what it means to be me. Who Meredith really is.

This plan is already in action. I’ve started counseling, with intention this time, not a stressed out 4 free sessions with someone random. I found someone who fits and I must follow through. The writing is, in fact, part of that therapy. I’ve also been incorporating practices of Cognitive Behavior Therapy to help move through my depressive or anxious states. Now it’s time for more. Now it’s time to Live;

To stop being scared of making those big life decisions;

To start doing;

To live fully;

To really just be.

To BE.

Me.

This time, I’m writing for the unknown;

For the future.

Let’s see where it goes.