Most of us probably have those days where we don’t know where to even begin let alone end. You know the ones I’m talking about.  From the moment you wake up, it’s time to crawl back to bed, hiding from your problems in the world.  Sadly, hiding never works. If it did, life wouldn’t be so painful. It also wouldn’t be so incredibly wonderful and inspiring. Getting past that pain only makes the world brighter and the options better, but you need to be willing to fight. Fight for what you’re worth.

I bring this up, because my own fight for this sense of self-worth and positivity seems to finally be reaching a level of stability after years of self-loathing. The transformation is far from over. You never really completely move past depression. It’s part of what shapes you, but you can learn to understand it, work through it.  Perhaps sharing my thoughts can helps someone else going through similar feelings. After all, we’re all together in this grand adventure called life, neighbors in each other’s tragedies and joys. Why not share them.

A few years ago, I let my situation get the best of me.  Everyday was a struggle to move, to leave my apartment, to face the decision to go to my classes at grad school, to go anywhere  Several times when I was home alone, I quite literally turned off all my lights and sat down on the floor of my closet and just cried.  It wasn’t my first battle with my emotions, and I know it won’t be the last, but unlike the puddle of a teen I was when I suffered my first heartbreak and first battle with self-hate, this time the hatred hit me deeper and lasted longer.

I knew from the first semester of my PhD program that it wasn’t the place for me. However, I had made the decision to try my hand at it. I was always good in school, always the academically sound one.  Since I was good at school, I thought that meant I should keep going.  I was following the logical path of: because I am good at A I should do A…not sound logic really.  I thought I was meant to teach college. At the beginning, I nearly took time off, doubting my own mind, but I was persuaded to go (and they offered me a phenomenal scholarship…it was meant to be, right?).  Since, I wasn’t opinionated enough on the matter, I listened to others and not myself.

And I paid the price.

For over four years, I played the game…barely.  My professors noticed, and eventually I had no choice but to leave the program.  There were many, MANY, tears. I gained weight and also drastically dropped some in a particularly high stress point. I pushed away people, nearly tore apart my marriage, and my self-confidence drastically decreased.  Everything I did suddenly become unworthy.  I went through counseling, briefly, but it was a short lived effort.  However, walking away from the program was one of the best decisions I ever made, but it wasn’t an easy one.

Even after I left, my self-worth suffered. I saw leaving the program as giving up, as a sign of my weakness. I was a disappointment to myself and I took that to mean I was also a disappointment to those around me.  I thought I wasn’t good enough to go anywhere, and let myself flounder quite a bit. Eventually, my mind started to clear, but the self-loathing remained to some degree, eating at the back of my brain while my body thought it was moving forward.

Those negative emotions are easy to hold onto. They become a strange perverted security blanket, acting as a false sense of self-value. By wrapping myself in the opinion that I was so bad at Things A or B, I simultaneously set myself apart, gave myself a new, twisted identity that at least meant I was being noticed, or different from those around me.  That blanket has been the most difficult thing to shed.

So what helped me move on?  I wish there was a magic answer.  The change hasn’t been any one thing.  Family, friends, new hobbies…all of these have been positive experiences, helping me change my view by simply being there. At work, I was promoted, and quickly learned how many untouched skills I actually possessed. Even at the highest moment of stress at work, instead of breaking down (well, at least not as often) I learned to let go.  There is only so much time in this life to weigh it down with stress and pain.

That attitude right there, is not one I would have been able to comprehend three years ago.

Really, what I think has been the biggest change: communication and support, as a giver not just a receiver.  My husband has been my greatest strength, though in the past he could be my worst enemy at times (as I was his).  The last two years, we’ve started talking more. I mean, we’ve always been talkers, but this time we both started to really listen in a different way. Sure, part of this is just living through more experiences, maturity, whatever. However, it’s also growing alongside and with one another. What I once took as negative comments, I started to hear as positive chances for change.  Now I can’t lie, sometimes this is still a struggle, but it’s improving every day.

Nothing is a miracle in this struggle. It will continue for the rest of my life as it will for everyone else, but there is one main thing I’ve learned which I hold onto everyday:

We are not alone.

Even in the darkest moments, on the bottom of that closet or the top of that cliff, there is a wide world of people struggling through the same feelings, pain, and joys.  Our emotions are only part of who we are, and we are, in turn, part of one massive evolving machine of life.  If you feel alone, reach out, even if it’s to a stranger across the internet. I beg you to remember you aren’t alone, even when you can’t see your way out of the darkness in your own mind.

Even if you don’t feel alone, reach out.  You never know what that one touch to another human being will spark.

It doesn’t hurt to talk, to listen, to make any small attempt at contact with another.   If this life is all we can know, we might as well be a positive force within it.

Just remember, your self worth does not come from others, even as you reach out to them and they to you.  It can only come from within.  Cultivate that value every day, and eventually, the results will astound you.

And if you need a jump-start, I suggest this video by zefrank1.